It is not just another autumn evening. It is cold, calm, and composed. It is rainy, cloudy, and happy. People are home, drying their rain boots and raincoats. We are wandering outside. I am clicking the sky, my usual activity on rainy days. I am heavily pregnant.
A flock of birds is returning home. I am wondering why they need a home when they have wings.
Soon I am going to find the answer.
Fast forward to a few weeks~
I became a mom this October. That means I spent this whole year anticipating motherhood. While my close people talked about pregnancy glow, hair growth, stretch-marks, I closely watched my health- physical and mental both. I put extra effort to stay fit. I hiked everyday with my husband. I exercised. I cautiously monitored what I ate and whose company kept me sane. I laughed at all jokes they made in Frasier. I watched thought-provoking films. I read. A lot. I wrote. I wrote my heart out. I followed my daily routine like I was in love with my life for the first time ever.
In return, I wished for a healthy and happy baby.
I got one.
She smiled for the first time when she was four days old.
And when she was inside me, every test and every doctor told me one common thing,” You have a happy baby.”
Rewinding last ten months in a heartbeat~
One day in September, I found myself cleaning the kitchen floor, organizing items on the table, dusting the notebooks, folding old clothes to give away. According to books, I was “nesting.” Things a mother does before the baby’s arrival. I never knew I would love “nesting.” I always loved being a nomad, a life without permanent address. I loved being a seeker, an adventure-lover.
For the first time, I felt I was changing. Like those birds who return to nest in stead of having wings.
And it felt good.
My pregnancy was not always smooth. But I worked hard to make the journey special. I wrote poems to kill that very famous first trimester nausea. I took the help of photography to find out all great things this world offered. Close people became distant. Strangers helped in so many new ways. I finally understood how unconditional and multi-faceted love can be. I understood some complicated little details of human emotions. Each experience made me strong.
And I felt stronger after giving birth. I could keep it natural, though not pain free.
Bringing this girl to this world was the best thing that I have ever done. My labor was intense and scary; I will save that story for later.
I have more respect for my womanhood now.
It is absolutely incredible what a woman’s body is capable of. The fact that we can create a human, nourish him/her for nine months, deliver, and then keep him/her alive off our milk is truly phenomenal.